Holden - Ursa Minor

Angry Metal Guy

As I’ve adjusted to 24-7 confinement with a toddler who needs constant help staying alive and a half acre property sorely in need of spring yard work, I’ve taken a little break from the AMG salt mines. It probably would have lasted longer, but the editors presented a seemingly unprecedented opportunity to review one of my fellow writers, and I’ve got a lot to say on the subject of Holden. As part of the same n00b class, I’ve had front row seats to the man, the myth, the overrating bastard, and I’ve got some bones to pick. OK, so I guess he does technically “save lives” as an EMT and firefighter if you’re into that kind of shit, but you haven’t had to share a cubicle with him as he blasts Skeletor and smelled whatever that glandular issue is that makes him sweat every time he eats. And alright, he’s got the proportional physical strength of 10 Cherds and sometimes I picture him in his big firefighter trousers and suspenders without a shirt as my personal Mr. July, but the number of his dad jokes I can tolerate in a day hovers perilously close to zero.

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It seems there’s been a misunderstanding. The above was written before the editors informed me that Holden is in fact a band and that they wanted me to review the Richmond, Virginia trio’s debut album Ursa Minor. My apologies.

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Holden play sludgy post/doom with stoner tendencies and prog aspirations, drawing from the same bong water well as bands like Elder, Torche and Conan. Great emphasis is placed on the creation of down-and-dirty grooves while somewhat less attention is paid to song progressions that lead to something other than yet another down-and-dirty groove. Opener “After the Fact” starts off with delicate cymbal taps and an atmospheric bit of doomy guitar, but once the band breaks into their first flat-footed barrage of chugging riffs and thumping drums, those opening lines start looking like a Rolls Royce hood ornament glued to a rusted Ford. Vocalist Palmer Sturman, who also pulls guitar duty, has two main settings: feral, blackened harsh vocals, which add some much needed bite when employed, and a half clean, half shout that sometimes swerves into oddly nu-metal territory for parts of “After the Fact” and “Sparks Between Teeth.”

Ursa Minor by Holden

On a song composition level, Ursa Minor is significantly more misses than hits, but “Emperor of Maladies” stands out as a solid cut thanks to Holden leaning into Conan-like heft. It’s their best song from a structural standpoint as well, alternating between a simple guitar/vocal interplay and the best groove on the album before cutting loose into a frantic gallop in the song’s closing minute. There are a few solid riffs that get the head nodding elsewhere on Ursa Minor, and the production job keeps things nice and sludgy without sacrificing clarity, but repeat listens only drive home the lack of purposeful songwriting. “Sparks Between Teeth” sounds cohesive at first blush, but that’s mainly because it’s played with the kind of intensity you want to hear on a band’s debut record. Remove that, and it collapses into a mess of transitions that belie the uniformity of Holden‘s riff arsenal.

While the band’s songwriting craft could definitely use some polish, their approach to album composition is absolutely head scratching. Taken in isolation, the two minute instrumental closer “The Way It Was and Will Be” isn’t so egregious, although it feels like little more than a riff and drum combo they couldn’t work into a song, but liked enough to tack on unfinished. Taken as a whole, its inclusion waivers between comical and insulting considering the OTHER instrumental track that occupies the most sizable chunk of Ursa Minor. Two instrumentals on a five song album should already be a red flag, but the fifteen-and-a-half minute ironically titled album centerpiece “However Small, However Hidden” would be an absolute album killer all by itself. It feels like Holden‘s misguided attempt to beat Elder at their own wannabe jam band game, but this plodding juggernaut drags the listener from one rote, tepid groove to another, crushing any momentum built to that point under it’s sprawling girth.

“Emperor of Maladies” on its own is enough to convince me that Holden could probably make a serviceable album at some point, but Ursa Minor is something of a shit sandwich. The bread might be edible, but that huge smear of instrumental doo doo in the middle means I can’t rate Holden‘s initial offering any higher than a Holdeneye 3.0.

Rating: 1.5/5.0
DR: 7 | Format Reviewed: 320 kbps mp3
Label: Self Released
Websites: judgeholden.bandcamp.com | facebook.com/HoldenBandOfficial
Releases Worldwide: May 8th, 2020

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