Rectal Smegma - To Serve and Protect

Angry Metal Guy

DEAR DOLPHY:

Recently, I’ve felt like my love life needed some spicing up, so I asked my partner if there was anything we could do. A strange smile appeared on his face, one I hadn’t seen for ages. I couldn’t help but get excited! He brought out an audio instructional booklet entitled To Serve and Protect—in his words, “the Dutch people have some methods that get his blood flowin’, if you know what I mean.” I didn’t know what to expect between the title that implied a familiar kink and the cover full of costumes; I’ve read that role play serves a lot of people well. But after a whole run through the audio booklet’s ideas, all I’ve been left with is a bad case of bedroom blues at the hands of Rectal Smegma. I don’t have to describe to you how uncomfortable that is. How can I tell my partner that I don’t ever want to do this again? — SPLATTERED AND CRUSTY

DEAR SPLATTERED AND CRUSTY:

We’ve all been there before. Engaging in novel romantic adventures promises a challenge for all involved. But I bet you might be wondering where To Serve and Protect may have gone wrong.

To serve and protect by RECTAL SMEGMA

Nailing goregrind right in the bedroom involves tones that simultaneously offend and delight—a sick fascination pervades through its caked, regressive exterior. To Serve and Protect, in that regard, strays both cautious and calculated (without recklessness) in its riff-based attack. It’s not often in this spunky lane of oompa-punk rhythms that we hear resonant tom rolls and organic, banjo-string snapping snare rolls accompanying gutter-tier narratives. But through blackened gargle (“To Serve and Protect,” “Beyond Bigboy Beastiality”) and flushed flurry (“Bloompa,” “Cocaine and Abel”), this case of Rectal Smegma finds much aural pleasure. However, this same clarity and warmth robs each chapter of kink-loaded chaos of tonal personality—you know the kind of bass-ruptured thrusts or HM-2 gushing blowouts you’d hear in an early Mortician or Fluids instructional. The danger simply isn’t there.

To Serve and Protect thrives in a humor that finds little engorgement outside the words which aim to stimulate. At surface level, chapters like “Her Truffle Butter Makes Me Stutter” or “Slow, Deep and Extra Hard” promise narratives that deliver in unquantifiable loads on their raunchy intent. The accompaniment to each punchline though, rests often in samples that offer little foreplay to the idea, and a predictable punky tease. A differentiation that exists only in name does little good over the course of this Rectal Smegma exercise. Sure, you can open a riff pattern with a snort and groove (“Johnny (The Dedicated Dildo Dork)”) or a grind and response (“Epik”), but when you fall back on the same finishing strokes every time, the mood turns from throbbing to slogging all too quickly.

SPLATTERED AND CRUSTY, you and your partner deserve more, and not the kind of more that To Serve and Protect deems necessary. Quality instructional offerings do not need to run lengthy to provide the most impact to your love life. Repetition already plays a big factor in the reasons that we seek out exotic and tantalizing forms of coupling in the first place. It’s true that the well-traveled hands of Rectal Smegma display affixable energy at important times of their work, like the introductory grooving “Ballsnack” and late-game pick-me-up “Cough Syrup Suppository.” Energy and enthusiasm can go a long way in masking tired instructions, though—what’s a flustered lover to do with seventeen similar lessons on the same theme? While I’m sure Rectal Smegma meant no harm in serving their brand in excess, To Serve and Protect doesn’t give its wanting audience many reasons to dig into its bulging material beyond a sampling.

Other options exist out there, of course—a little Cock and Ball Torture or Gutalax or younger Rectal Smegma may provide you more in the way of bubbling debauchery or busted-tone punishment that will enliven your downtime activities. We here at Angry Metal Guy take pride in assisting where we can, even if it means backing you in breaking it to your partner that To Serve and Protect doesn’t live up to the trashy standards on which Rectal Smegma has staked their latest claim. We want your smile to be genuine. We want your filth to be earned and welcome. We don’t want to leave you splattered, crusty, and unhappy. The lessons you learn should be rough with a tickle of intrigue, not just a replay of steady, jackhammering antics.

Rating: 2.0/5.0
DR: 5 | Format Reviewed: ~190 kbps VBR mp3
Label: Rotten Roll Rex | Kernkraftritter Records
Website: rectalsmegma.com¹ | rectalsmegma.bandcamp.com²
Releases Worldwide: February 14th, 2024

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